Crossroads by Stephanie Smith

Author:Stephanie Smith
Language: eng
Format: epub
Tags: Array
Publisher: Zondervan

TRACK FIVE: “RENEW ME”

Another day, and before I begin

Something within me says

I’m not okay, let’s address this emptiness

Cause I’m really a mess

Savior of this heart

You renew me

And let me start again

Heading off to college a few years later, I decided it was time to pursue my call in life—or what I thought was my call—to be a rock star. And that’s exactly what I did. I pursued.

If you know anything about callings, a red fl ag should be going up about now. A calling isn’t something we make happen. It’s something that God extends to us. And yet as I set out to establish my identity as a person of renown, there was a lot of misplaced striving on my behalf. I was willing to do whatever I thought I had to do to make a name for myself. As a result, I spent the first six months of my college life being an idiot.

It didn’t take long for an opportunity to arise, and I immediately assumed it was a sign of God’s hand at work. I was invited to be the lead singer for a promising band made up of my fellow students at Greenville College in Illinois. It convinced me that being in a band was the call God had on my life. The problem here between God and me? I didn’t take time to listen—or even to ask for that matter. These guys were older, fame hungry like I was, and had all been in bands before. I didn’t know them well and never bothered to ask any questions. They stood on the stage with me, and I chose to believe they had it together.

But we didn’t have it together. None of us. By the end of our first six months together, some things started to come out, and I’m talking about some pretty serious issues. I knew this gig was quickly unraveling from all sides, but I closed my eyes tighter and chanted the same useless mantras over and over.

I just need to be a good example.

I can help them.

No one else needs to know.

But I swear this is the calling in my life!

On the music front we really thought this was it. We had regular shows, a short tour, label interest. But on the personal front, I had worked my way into an impossible situation. It had become clear that one of my married bandmates had feelings for me. There I was at 19 trying to counsel two people through the shrapnel of a failing marriage—a counseling gig I had absolutely no business conducting. After all, much of that shrapnel involved me.

Wouldn’t you know it was Mom to the rescue again? She called one night and said, “Steph, I feel an urgency for you to take care of this situation. Today. Now. You need to sit those two down and tell them you are out. They cannot call you any longer. They cannot confide in you or seek your counsel. Do it now, Steph.” She also told me, “Be sure you take a witness with you.

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